Feeling Down

   It happens, it really does. Feeling down is a hard emotion to explain. It's not like I'm feeling sorry for myself, it's feeling like I'm at a brick wall. Let me start at the beginning of the day yesterday. I went to work out (mainly treadmill). Then came home to take a shower. So that I don't go into exact detail, I'd like to explain something. I am home because I was found incapable of working due to my illness and the medication that I take. I am not home for others to assume I can always do things for them, because I never know how I will feel. I'll leave that at that.
   A little bit later on I got a text from one of my cousins that my great uncle is pretty ill. After, I called my mom and to tell her. Her and my dad were at the nursing home where my uncle is. They were having a meeting with the home about bringing hospice in.
   Now it wasn't a great news day. But coupled with pain I start to think about there are people, older people that have suffered less than 8 or so years and there is an end. One uncle who hopefully has a successful surgery, and another that there is nothing else they can do. His body is just giving out. Now comes the feeling down part. In 4 days I will be 39 and thinking that I have X amount of time to live with this illness. It's a rather hard to swallow. It's the unknown, J and I were talking last night and I was very tearful. Why are certain ones chosen for certain things? Some for greatness, some for heartache, illness, loneliness. J points out that I am lucky that every single day the pain is not a 10+

Learning to Accept

   In life there are so many things thrown at us that we have no control over. For example: I was given the parents I was given, and I may never know why. I love my mom and my dad was very abusive and has many demons of him own. I was close to my sister until she started show signs of sever bi-polar, then she left everyone including her kids to start a new life in the world she created in her head. It wasn't until the last couple of years I have learned to accept and shed no more tears over either one of them. Because I was given alot of help learning to accept. Talking with professionals helped me learn to accept the things I cannot change. Now that I am 1 in about 10 million that suffers from having pain on both sides of my face, I have to learn to accept it. What is now difficult is that last time I was working and talking with others that we going or went through the same thing. This time it is hard for others to know what pain I'm talking about.
   My journey is long and I have to be patient. That is so much more difficult to do than to say. I mean there is no one to forgive or nothing I can change. It is just learn to accept to be in pain for the rest of my like. In 6 days I will be 39. Yes only 39!!! Any help I can get would be great.