Running Like a Chicken With My Head Chopped Off

    Like I said it seems like the days are flying past until we leave. J and I had sat down and mapped everything out, so that nothing goes undone. This is our 3rd big move and so we are getting good at this.
    Friday was just a crazy as Thursday. We made it it M's dentist appt at 9:30am. All was good with her too. I wasn't feeling great still, but also it's been so hot out. After that we ran to the mall to pick up a present for a recent graduate. Then it was off to school for M.
    I met with D.N. for my final appt. after dropping M off at school. We just visited and he gave me some direction about looking for new doctors in Las Vegas. I can't believe I have been seeing him for a year and a half. But he says I'm fine..finally, someone thinks that. LOL. B also had a dentist appt that her dad took her to. She will be looking forward to getting her wisdom teeth pulled this summer.
   My plan was to fly B up her before we move and then she could fly out to Vegas with us. With testing and the end of school we decided to put it off until later in the summer. I haven't seen her in over a year and I do miss her.
   Just as I thought my day was going smooth, a nurse from Dr. K.G.'s office called and said that my cholesterol was very high and I needed to be put on something. I asked him what they were thinking and he said Dr. K.G was in the Appalachian Mountains until next Wed. I guess I forgot about my talk with him, how I was going to watch what I ate and exercise more.
   The weekend came and to think J will be leaving next Sunday. This is just going by like a blink of an eye. We found a nice house, so I can check that off of my list. I haven't been sleeping good and my stomach still is my enemy. We ended up going with some friends to see Hangover II last night, and I felt as if I was going to have a panic attack before the movie started. I know it's just all of this stress from the move. Sleeping has been an issue lately. I fall asleep and then wake up a million times. My dreams are crazy weird again. I almost do not look forward to the nights anymore. My head has still hurts but not anywhere near the magnitude it was at before.
   Breathe slowly, one day at a time.....

How Many Marbles Can You Shove In Your Mouth?

   The past 2 days have been CRAZY!! As I am trying to check things off of my list I decided, without thinking, that yesterday and today were wide open. Can you see the spiral again?
    Thursday I opened my eyes and wasted no time getting on with my day. M and I left the house early heading to the lab for more blood work. We arrived at the perfect time, before the regulars came in. Hold on, I am slowly becoming a regular. LOL! After I finished, M and I went to McDonald's for breakfast before the next appointment. As we sat there enjoying our pancakes. M looked at me and said "It is so nice that we can sit here eating together". A million kisses to my baby. Unfortunately we were booked solid. Next I scheduled the put off teeth cleaning. Yeah, I am glad that I did not have it done while I was there the last time. Even though it was a simple prophy, I felt as if she ripped my molars out. In my state of shock that i was in, made an appointment for M for the next day. Why not? I didn't have my book, but I was sure I didn't have anything going. We had a few until I had to drop M off for school, so we ran and pick up a few things. Then it was off to school. As soon as I dropped her off I had to turn around and rush to my 12:45pm appointment for my chest MRI. Once there, I was called back by the actual Radiologist. He was an older, very serious man. As soon as he'd found out I'd been there 2 other times, he changed his demeanor, he became very sweet and gentle. As anyone who has had MRI's knows, the farther down on your body they want to inspect the farther in the tube you go. I was in some discomfort from the dentist visit already, but how can I forget all of the loud noises I have to listen to for the next 45 minutes. After we finished I sat on the table for about 10 minutes. I can't remember what I did until I picked M up. Once I did we still weren't done yet. We ran to the pharmacy and picked up my monthly medications. So funny when the staff, says good luck and thank you we'll miss you.
   The day still wasn't over. I made a commitment that I would return to the Adult Education program I started in last year and retake the college placement test. Did I feel like going? Not really, but after all that they did for me, I wasn't going to not go. Two and a half hours later  and I was done. With some pre-test tutoring I was finished. When I took the test in the fall I did not make the scores to get out of the pre-tech classes. Now, I did it!!! My scores we higher than in the fall and my teacher said the same thing I heard all day today. "Maybe it was the medication?" Maybe it was.....
   Before I went to bed I could feel the pain, not only in my head but still not feeling great in my stomach. So I took a half of whatever pain pill they game me for times such as these.
   It's getting late and I'll finish my post tomorrow, or today. Anyhow later, goodnight!

This day just sucked

   Oh Mondays, how funny you are! I turned over and J wasn't there. It threw me off, until I remembered it was Monday. I laid there for another hour and M had been wide awake since before J left. Soon after she was sound asleep again. Oh I could feel the day was not going to be well. After dropping M off at school I went to return a movie Blue Valentine (don't go and rent it, you aren't missing anything). Then I was going to get my blood taken. I showed up there and they said I had to fast. I already ate so that was a no. I decided to head home because my head, scalp, ear and stomach were not agreeing with me.
   On my way home I saw my mail lady pulled over eating lunch, I missed her so I pulled over to talk to her for a minute. Then finally went home to lay down. I thought for sure I was going to be sick. In no time at all the school bell was about to ring. I decided to walk, it might make me feel better. On the way home I was pretty sure that I should have drove. It was muggy out and that did not help feeling bad.
   M was full of sparkly news from her teacher. She was doing so well in school and her report card would be good. She ate, and awhile after heard her little friends playing outside. My friend said she'd kept an eye on her.
   I really felt horrible for the rest of the night. Again, this makes me thankful for the good days. I just wanted to trade this day in for one of those.

Intractable Irritation

   After a reassuring talk with my parents about my sadness last week, I was all too ready to start the weekend. And it started off wonderful. Friday night my friends wanted to take a well deserved date. So their little one came over for the evening. M and N had a great time playing.
   Saturday I woke up early 9am or so and hopped into the shower and couldn't wait to get outside. It felt like the sun was shinning just for me. Yes!!! I met my friends outside and was not going to waste another minute. My jaw felt as if I had a molar extracted. So needless to say I was in pain but nothing was going to ruin my big bright sunny day that I waited so long for. I think total we were out there for about 5 hours.
   J was inside priming the walls. He's Mr.O.C.D, so if that it makes him happy to get all of that done, I'm happy. It can't believe that we are in the final stages of our experience here in DE. It went too fast. It was such a growing experience, being here, learning.
  Sadly I have to look at my purple book to tell myself what happened. It all seems so far in the past. I also am surprised that event JUST happened. Good think I write it down. My face continued to hurt along with my eyesight in the left eye all weekend and I had some self inflected pain. So sitting in the sun sounds like a good idea, you know I'm just trying to get my Vit D count up. I was like a Red Hot last night and this morning. But Monday or Tuesday I should try to go to the lab to check my Vit D level. I also have my last and final MRI on Thursday. Then I need to start concentrating on looking for doctors in LV.
  

If I Could Only Forget

   When I got home last night I was angry, which lead to a sleepless night. I spent the night into the early morning hours of today trying to think how I could have re-done the evening. Funny thing about ATN and little sleep. I end up in pain and upset the next day. I had to take care of something for J and was able to talk to S about what happened. She noticed that I my collarbone was swollen and the Chorea was present today. Just another sign of the pain and stress that I was feeling.
   J has the world on his shoulders and once again never lets me down. He has listened and offered sympathy for me having to say good-bye to others. My lips and cheek started to go numb. My ear is back to feeling that as if someone jabbed something into it. Rest is so important as I seem to prove to myself time and time again.
   After dropping M off at school today I was able to lay my head down. Unfortunately my tears fell for someone who now thinks and feels hatred toward me.

Wow! Karen Casey hit this day on the head.

All my yesterdays run together.
-- Clara Glenn

Age doesn't demand that our memories become fuzzy, but they commonly are. We often fret over this. We could, instead, make light of it and simply appreciate that we worked our memories overtime for many years. There is no requirement that we have long memories anymore. Our age gives us this freedom.

There are some plusses to having the past run together in our minds. For one, it prevents past tragedies from gaining too much focus. Also, we are able to see how really insignificant many of our trials were. That's a good reminder that our current worries will barely be remembered, even a month from now.

Only today deserves our attention; this gives us an easier set of circumstances to handle. Being caught in the past can hinder our present decisions. The past may offer something to inform our present, but this moment is unique, not like the past at all.

Another Avalanche

   Today started off ok. I got up and went took M to school. I then headed off to see D.N. We had a good visit...
   I can't even think about anything else but my meeting with a "friend". For those of you close to me you know where I hold this person. I wanted to make sure I said good-bye everyone before we leave. My mistake was not listening to J and S. I shouldn't have gone, not in my confusing state. Once again I found myself in a situation that I could not explain. I mean I know what I said, but it wasn't received the way I wanted it too. It quickly went downhill from there. I'd like to point out one thing that did happen. When the person to whom I was sitting across from started to get loud, the guy in the booth behind this person leaned up a little and mouthed asking if I was ok. I took it to the flag pole so I have to finish it. That said, the night was ruined. When I start to say good-bye to other friends, I want those to know, that you played a part in my life while in DE.
   I'm taking D.N.'s advice and giving myself a 'Xanax hug' tonight.

Happy Birthday To My Husband

   I think sometimes we forget the vows we take and get mislead down another path. This year was a tough one for both of us in one way or another. But at the end of it all he was there. My grandma said it just adds another brick to our marriage. Anyways today was his day! Now that we are moving, basically he made another sacrifice for me and it's so very sad that his employer is making this hard. J has always been a faithful husband, son, uncle, grandson, father and my very BEST FRIEND. I put some really heavy stuff on him and he is still there for me. With all of that said I wanted to do something special for him.
   After I dropped M off at school I when to the grocery store. While in the produce section I panicked, I did not remember where M was at. It took me a minute and then I remembered that she was at school. Whheeww! How could I not remember where she was? I think that the thyroid medication might be starting to work. At least that's what my neighbor said. I still have pain, but I have had more energy to work through the pain. Who knows?
   Dinner was very nice with our friends over. I truly could not have made it through this time here in Delaware. Yes we will move on and I may get different answers from new doctors, but I'm closer to family.

Dreadful Dreams

   'Personal terror that haunts me in my dreams about a sibling. Why is she able to torment me in my dreams'. Those were the words I wrote on a piece of paper right as my eyes opened. I did this because I was so bothered by the events that took place.
   After writing I did the couple of things that I do after I wake up. Like most I check my phone for the usual morning emails. I found it odd that as I scanned through my daily thought, a part of it read: We singlemindedly search for love, for belonging, for affirmation from others that will wipe out the torment of alienation that haunts our wakefulness and our dreams. How crazy! J and I discussed my dream, it was all so real and I'm not sure why things and people that I haven't thought about in a very long time frequent my sleepy images.
    I'm now taking so many pills in the morning and each night that I cannot swallow them all at once. J said that if he took all of those it would kill him. Is this what is causing the disturbing chain of events I have each night? It's very frightening.
   I was able to go a see a movie with a friend today, but couldn't shake the feeling of sickness. It was humid, rainy and would have been a great day to do nothing.
   J was told that tomorrow the HR lady from the new company might be able to start working on relocation. As he applied and interviewed with various places he wanted to make sure any move we might make was easy on me. I couldn't ask for more. I do not have to pack, move or drive anywhere. All I have to do is decide where I want to live and get on a plane.
  

Up Early with The Birds

   For whatever reason it was I agreed to the early appointment with D.N.. I made it there 5 minutes before even though everyone was outside so late last night. I got there and went in and sat down in his office, he laughed when he came in. He said that when he saw his schedule he thought it odd I was scheduled so early. At least we are all on the same page. We discussed the up and coming move to ______. He finds it funny that I have anxiety about my memory issues but I don't have any problem up and moving.
   I was really hurting when I came in last night. I think it was all of the talking, singing, laughing and the cold air. It was worth it though. So after I got home we took care of a couple of things and then back down I go. I was seeing this cloudy spot in my eye all morning and then *wha-bam* pain. This sucks so bad. I want to NOT deal with insta-pain. I knew it was cold outside last night, and I knew I didn't get enough sleep but I really hate this. The taste of metal and then pain. I'm calling it a super early night so I wanted to get me post written early.

Good Things

   Well J gave his notice to work yesterday and before we know it the movers will be here to pack us up. I look at this move as a good thing, even though it came very quickly. This gives me a chance to be closer to my family and a chance for new doctors.
   I have much to do with getting copies of all of my records. But in all reality I might only need the results that I have already. I mean if I'm looking for new answers then that might be the way to go.
   Yesterday I awoke to Dr. K.G.'s office calling to tell me that they are calling in anti-biotics for me. I asked what kind of infection it was, but does it really matter at this point? Not to me, and like J said if it was that bad you would have had to go to the hospital. So I went to go and get the Amoxicillian and came home. I think the new Tegretol level is a little hard for my stomach to get used to. But I have to give it a couple of weeks, and also I started the tryroid medication at the same time. So I'm up to 21 pills a day. Yuck!!
   I'm having a harder time sleeping again, and dreaming so much. last night I had a dream that I felt like I'd had before but wasn't able to finish. I wake up 3-4 times to only fall back asleep again. I'm starting to give up trying to figure the sleep issue out. It is...what it is.
   I don't think moving has really hit me because with the email and facebook I feel like I am so close to my family already. We will have been away for 4 years in July. I start to think about it and get a little panicked then realized I just need to breathe. My eye has been ok for the last couple of days, but my head has been hurting in the morning. I feel nauseous most of the day.  I have an early morning appointment with D.N. that his office called and offered to me yesterday. I'll go and he can help me sort out what I need to so that the move goes smooth.
   Next week I go and get my blood tested again for the vitamin D levels and still waiting to hear back about the MRI.

What a day!

   It's hard to figure out what each and every day will hold. Last night while writting my post I was so tired and left out a couple of things from the doctors visits yesterday.
   While in the Nuerologist office talking with Y.Y. we were reviewing some of my lab work. Y.Y. couldn't understand how my levels dropped so drastically. I kept explaining that they weren't the same.  After a few minutes I took out my copies and showed her side by side that they were different tests. Now that is scary. Also she started in again, she didn't like the medications that my other doctors were giving me. No! We already went down that path, and she was wrong. This is so very disappointing that we pay money to see these people and they take someones life and handle it as if it were made of rubber. If they make a mistake then it will bounce right back. That's not the way someones health works.
   Today I have some pretty heavy shocks in my ear and eye. I took out my lounge chair and laid in the sun. It felt so good. It all keeps helping my vitamin D.
   The day ended with a bizillion questions about a change that may happen. I have to take one day at a time, without worrying about the next.

Another Busy Monday

   I started the day off good. I guess that was the highlight. I had two doctor appointments today. So M and I headed over to Dr K.G.'s office to see what he had to say. He felt better that I was composed this time. We discussed my aliments and came to the decision that I would go back on the same thyroid medication that I was on before. I'm not sure of the rhyme or reason that we are continuing on with the same medication after the swelling I got before. Again I am in the mercy of the professionals. While there I questioned the protein found in my urine from the last lab test. He wanted to recheck and found protein and white blood cells again. He said that he would send it off to the lab and then let me know if anything came of the culture.
   After I picked M up early from school we headed off to the Neurologist. Y.Y. came out and called my name. I didn't have a good feeling. She escorted us back to to her office and just started quickly talking to us in a mix between and a mumble and a different language. I tried to keep up, but she was yet again 10 steps ahead of me. I asked to talk to Dr. L-G. Once she came into the office I took out my notebook and started asking all of my questions. For my eye pain and cloudiness they suggested I go to any eye doctor. They did what I thought they would do and up the Tegratol  to 800mg a day and then we'll see. I go back on June, and they wanted to have me go and have me to do another blood test to check my Vitamin B-12 level. Then they are going to get a pre-auth yo get my forth MRI.
   Wasn't the greater news, but what else can I say?

Be sure to buckle your seatbelt, the ride is about to begin. It's gonna be a rough one.

   This week felt like a whirlwind. At the end of the week I made good on my promises to help with the PTA Teachers Appreciation Week Activities. I felt exhausted but at least something good came out of the time spent there. All of the teachers know M as the "little helper". That makes me happy that she can stand out from the crowd because of something that we did together. Wednesday I couldn't muster up the energy to go to the school. And with only M and I, we made 80 brownie bites to take in on Thursday.
   I can tell that the pain has not yet peaked. I tried to tell myself that this time would be different, but I don't really know anything about this. On Wednesday I called the Neurologist office and left another message for Mr. Medical Receptionist. Here it is Friday and I had not heard back from them, so I called the Practice Administrator again and she called me back shortly there after. I guess Dr. L-G is going to be leaving but wants to see me before we make any changes to medication again. She scheduled me with the Nurse Practitioner Y.Y. on Monday and promised that Dr. L-G would come in to talk to me then. I guess she just didn't have any openings in her schedule.
   On Thursday, I also went to meet with D.N. and we talked about how my memory or lack there of, is affecting my life. With everything that J has going on, where I am & what I'm doing is always at the front of his mind. I guess it's because he wants to know that I'm safe. I used to feel as if I knew what everyone was thinking and now I wonder what I'm thinking.
   I woke up early today to help with the last of the festivities, and as I came out of the shower I could feel everything from my scalp to my my lips were numb. I have progressively noticed as if my left eye has been getting more cloudy over the past couple of days. As I'm told that is from the pain. I slept horrible last night and mid-morning realized that I forgot to take my sleeping medication, so there was that answer. How do I prevent this disease from defining me?
   Tomorrow is M's 6th birthday and it's her day!! We are having a party for her, and as B's birthdays were always #1 so shall M's. So I may have forgotten this or that but as long as she has a great time, it will be worth it.

What a terrorizing Tuesday

   I couldn't open my eyes. My head and eye were struggling and I decided that I would text PTA mom right away to let her know as soon as possible that today started off bad. I think being there as much as  was yesterday killed me.
   As I read an article today it was giving me suggestions for pain relief. Some ideas that I didn't thing of before. But the pain is returning more often. I am planning to call the neurologist tomorrow and let her know. So we will see if she ups the Tegratol to 800mg.  Today and was so tearful. I also got a message to call the Pharmacy to see what they wanted. But I used the memory on the phone. I ended up calling and I accidental called my f-i-l. I can't even get the numbers right. It was a hard morning morning and I was glad that the day ended up ok.
   I'm soo exhausted tonight and my type is taking forever.

I wish it was Sunday ~ My I-don't-have-to-run day ~ It's just another manic Monday

   I thought I wrote this weekend. That confuses me because I really thought I wrote. I mean I guess I didn't otherwise it would be on here.
   I had a rough Saturday. We had to go to the grocery store because I over promised that I would make the Salsa and Guac for 80. Anyways we got home and after awhile my ear and head were hurting sooo bad. Again with my collarbone swelling. I laid down in the quiet, dark, cool room and closed my eyes. How is one supposed to sleep when the pain of that magnitude strikes. I didn't want to hear anything, or look at anything. I called out to J and asked him for some pain medicine. I wished that it was the magic pill, but it was only making me feel worse. I did slept most of the afternoon into the evening mostly because of the pain medicine. Whew! Another tough one down.
   Sunday my ear was still aching but it did not hold me captive to my bed. I was able to make all of the fresh salsa and guac I needed for the 1st day back to school after spring break.
   I was busy, busy today. I had to take M to the doctors' so they could check to make sure her strep was all gone. We got a green light there. Then I had something to do for J. Once that was all done I made it back to the school to become the PTA lady's personal helper. Booo! The teacher's all had a great time but I was so worn out. My feet were swollen and once I took off my shoes there was no putting them back on comfortably. Finally home I am and I am exhausted. My eyes is getting cloudy so I hope that is not a sign of the pain to come tonight.