Feeling Down

   It happens, it really does. Feeling down is a hard emotion to explain. It's not like I'm feeling sorry for myself, it's feeling like I'm at a brick wall. Let me start at the beginning of the day yesterday. I went to work out (mainly treadmill). Then came home to take a shower. So that I don't go into exact detail, I'd like to explain something. I am home because I was found incapable of working due to my illness and the medication that I take. I am not home for others to assume I can always do things for them, because I never know how I will feel. I'll leave that at that.
   A little bit later on I got a text from one of my cousins that my great uncle is pretty ill. After, I called my mom and to tell her. Her and my dad were at the nursing home where my uncle is. They were having a meeting with the home about bringing hospice in.
   Now it wasn't a great news day. But coupled with pain I start to think about there are people, older people that have suffered less than 8 or so years and there is an end. One uncle who hopefully has a successful surgery, and another that there is nothing else they can do. His body is just giving out. Now comes the feeling down part. In 4 days I will be 39 and thinking that I have X amount of time to live with this illness. It's a rather hard to swallow. It's the unknown, J and I were talking last night and I was very tearful. Why are certain ones chosen for certain things? Some for greatness, some for heartache, illness, loneliness. J points out that I am lucky that every single day the pain is not a 10+