Fears

   Last night I took all of my pills and went to bed. My thought process was; I was tired and I had taken the muscle relaxer I got from the hospital and would feel better. What a horrible night. I dream so much lately, it feels like I am busy. A weird busy. They aren't nightmares just constant dreams about nothing really. I guess maybe it's the medication.
   I knew that it was going to be terriable when morning came. And so I was right. The Sunday sun shone in, but I wanted it to go away. Not another day of feeling like this. My head, the dizziness and neck pain were all violent. I couldn't move, nor did I want to. I could only compare it to being in a car accident.
   The phone started to ring; as it has more frequently with ideas and well wishes. Being so far away from my mom is hard at a  time like this. She was my voice when I didn't get the answers I wanted. Although I am so very lucky to have married the person I did. He spoils me, lets me rest, brings me toast, and even started to fill out the 20 page new patient form I need for this week. He is my best friend.
   I called the Neurologist On-call at 12:13pm. He called back at 12:16pm, wow!! That was quick. I tried to explain the best I could without tears. I'm a little confused after we spoke. He asks what medication I am taking, then interrupts and says 'You should be sleeping well'. I told him I take different stuff to sleep becuase I am sleep resistant. Then he tells me I could easily over-dose with everything I take, but adds to my list. If there is a fear of over-dosing then why is he adding to the dosage amounts? Being so vulnerable why did I follow his instructions? Lying there fearing his words after the fact.
   This week will be a busy one, I have 4 doctor appointments this week. I would fill every hour I have with doctor appointments if it ment getting an answer.
  -A